Attachment Theory

Attachment theory explains how the behavior of a child’s primary caregivers (usually one’s parents) contributes to and forms the way a child perceives close relationships.

If the child is brought up in a warm and nurturing environment, where the caregivers are consistently responsive to the child’s emotional needs, a secure attachment is formed. The child learns that their needs will be recognized, that they will be supported and loved, and that people, in general, can be trusted.

Unfortunately, not all children are able to build a secure and stable bond with their caregivers. When a child perceives that his or her needs are not met, the child will likely develop an insecure attachment, which colors the way they understand relationships. There are three forms of insecure attachment: anxious, avoidant, and disorganized.

Anxious attachment can result from an inconsistent relationship with a parent or caregiver. Parents might be unpredictable, oscillating between supportive and caring to intrusive or emotionally unavailable. This inconsistency might make it difficult for the child to understand what the parents’ behavior means and what kind of response to expect in the future. Adults with anxious attachment might display patterns of low self-esteem, fear of rejection or abandonment, clinginess, or anxiety in relationships.

Children who’s parents are strict and distant, expect or need their child to be independent and tough might raise children with an avoidant attachment style. These parents arent’s might avoid displays of emotion and become withdrawn when the child reaches out for support. These children learn to be self-reliant and to hold in or manage their own emotions. Avoidant adults highly value their independence. It’s difficult for them to rely on others for emotional support and often push people away when they get too close.

Often the result of abuse or neglect, disorganized attachment is a form of insecure attachment with mixed fearful and avoidant features. A disorganized attachment style in a child is formed when a child is emotionally and physically dependent on someone who is also a source of fear or distress. Parents are often unpredictable, instilling fear and confusion in the child. It is often indicative of childhood trauma, abuse, or neglect. These individuals exhibit behaviors of both anxious and avoidant attachment. They might struggle to regulate their emotions and feel unable to trust others.

Fortunately attachment styles can change, often through relationship with a securely attached individual, whether a friend, therapist, or partner.  This new relationship facilitates emotional closeness and a sense of stability that promotes self-insight leading to new habits and patterns. Some of us experience more severe attachment trauma and it takes hard work to heal. It’s often helpful to work with a therapist to recognize your behavioral patterns in relationships and to make sense of your childhood experiences.